The Highs and the Lows

Emotions have a weird way of changing often without a rhyme or reason. People always descibe it as a high or a low, and you don’t really understand the extent of that until you live through a roller coaster like it.

Lows for me feel like I’m constantly needing more and more sleep. It’s having the energy level of a sloth, and letting the dishes pile up in the sink. It’s putting off laundry, and sleeping in til 2 pm. My lows feel like a black hole that I just sit and watch everything get sucked into. Now everyone’s lows look and feel different, and people who experience it know just how hard it can be to find any form of motivation to cling onto. Sometimes it feels like the hardest thing in the world, but taking small steps can really push you back to a steady “norm.”

Often times it takes just one thing to make you feel like you’re getting back on track. It could be taking a shower, or doing your makeup for the first time in a week. It could be making yourself a small home cooked meal, or picking your clothes up off the bathroom floor. You have to remember it doesn’t always happen overnight. It may take you days to get back to normal, but as long as you focus on the small steps you can take to feeling better, you will begin to feel more in control of yourself again.

Now the highs for me are usually anxiety ridden, but the most productive I will ever be. My motivation takes a turn for the better, and during these periods are when I usually deep clean my apartment, and get back on top of my creative endeavors. I write, I draw, I paint, I do everything I can as fast as I can because I never know how long I have until I recede back into bad habits. I get better at responding to texts and emails, and try to reach out to people or friends I may have neglected in my lower periods. The highs are where I feel mentally and emotionally “normal.”

If you’re anything like me, the highs are times when you find yourself taking bets on when your luck is going to run out. That’s normal, I feel like. When you go through more lower periods than you’d like, the highs feel like a vacation. They feel like your life is being seen through rose colored lenses. The air feels lighter, the world seems brighter; everything about life feels a little easier to handle.

I would be lying if I said I never wished everything could just stay in one steady emotional wavelength. Or daydreamed about what it would be like to be 100% stable in my feelings. But living in a mind with thoughts like that did more harm than good. Accepting the fact that I’ll have really high highs, and really low lows, for quite possibly the rest of my life was met with lots of inner complaints. Lot’s of “why me’s” and never ending questions about what I did to deserve it… But I’ve come to the realization that, I didn’t do anything. I’m living this life because I’m supposed to. I’m still here because I’m supposed to be. I’m writing this in hopes it reaches people, and maybe helps them feel less alone. I’m writing this because it helps me cope through my highs, lows, and norms. Letting myself dwell on the what if’s will never give me the healing I need or deserve, and it took me some time to figure that out.

Wherever you are in your mental health journey, I hope you’re taking time to appreciate how far you’ve come and what you’ve been able to accomplish despite what your mind may be telling you.

Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month

the month of may is borderline personality disorder awareness month, and as someone who has been diagnosed with it for over a year, i can’t say i’m an expert yet. but i know how i feel, and how often and rapidly it changes throughout a day. when i was diagnosed, and explained the basis of it, a lot of my life seemed to click into a better understanding of myself and my actions. a lot of people i loved and cared about have left me, especially at a young age with the men that came in and out of my life via my mother. a lot of promises were broken, some of which came from the only man i’ve ever called ‘dad.’ that left me with an overwhelming fear of abandonment, alongside extreme trust issues. i was always so afraid to open up to someone again, and let my guard down. i started dating my first boyfriend, and best friend at the time after i turned 18 and it was great, until it wasn’t. shit happened with us, and it got really bad, to preserve myself as best i could i ended things. it got worse after that, for a billion different reasons. i was living alone, isolated from my family. i was working two jobs and i rarely had time to grieve. fall of 2017 i officially broke and ended up in the hospital after a suicide attempt. over the course of a few months i was in and out, struggling to find comfort in myself and the people around me. faking that i was doing better because i hated how hurt my loved ones looked. i self harmed without even comprehending what i was doing. i didn’t feel at all like myself. i completely lost myself. it felt as though there was a whole separate consciousness inside my head that would take over while i sat and watched the terror unfold. it still feels like that most days. sometimes my thoughts get so loud i can’t even hear them precisely. i constantly get fed lies by the voice in my head that sounds like mine, and i don’t always have the hindsight to know it’s not me. even on my good days i have a death wish looming over me.

i’ve been aware of bpd for over a year, and educating myself is the only thing giving me the small sense of control and grasp i have over myself and my actions. i still have my fallbacks. i still struggle to understand what thoughts are mine and which aren’t. but knowing what borderline personality disorder is, and seeing people talk about it helped me to feel less alone through this. it’s hard when people don’t understand what you’re going through, and it’s meant everything to have people who love me, educate themselves to better know me and why i do things sometimes when i’m not fully conscious of it. this illness DOES NOT make a person toxic, and feeding into that culture is what created the stigma around bpd in the first place. if someone you love struggles with bpd, try to educate yourself before you shut them down for the way they express their emotions. it might not make sense to you, but to them that is the truth they’re being fed, whether they’re aware of it in their mind or not. be kind, and know that we’re terrified on the inside, of absolutely everything. our emotions change so quickly and controlling that is near impossible.

i am not my illness, and neither are you.

Where I’ve Been

Hello! I know it’s been way too long of a hiatus, and I wanted to explain why I took it, and where I was. I initially took a break around May/June of 2018 because not only was my mental health experiencing a rocky patch, but I also began dating again! To anyone who knows me personally, that’s a huge deal for me. With all I’ve gone through in past relationships, I never truly believed I’d open myself up like that again. The guy is incredible though, and I couldn’t be happier or more in love. Since we started dating, he’s been nothing but kind and uplifting in my mental health journey, as well as a cheerleader for all of my personal endeavors. Letting him in was more rewarding than I ever imagined. After being told by my ex that no one would ever love me like he did after we broke up I can genuinely say he was right. I’m being loved like I’ve always deserved, and it’s so much more than he ever gave me.

I’ve been toying for months on if I wanted to make a comeback with Dream Girl Diaries or not. For awhile I had convinced myself that my point was gone, and that people had given up on me just as quickly as I had given up on myself. It was tough. I let my self esteem, and worth plummet at the thought of being nothing to the people I felt I was something to at one point.

After all of that, it’s taken me 9 months to convince myself to write this piece. To come back to the dream I had, and made for myself with this blog. Mental health is a part of me that will never go away, and if opening up about that can help even one person, then Dream Girl Diaries has fulfilled it’s purpose.

So here I am, almost a year later, finally writing again. I have big dreams for this blog, and I am finally ready to work towards achieving them. I now have the support I needed to get me through my road block, and I’m back! I’m going to start posting again, and for the times where I’m hitting rock bottom, I’m going to start accepting guest contributions! First guest writer will be posted very soon!

Thank you to everyone who didn’t give up on me, and gave me the extra love and support I needed as a push to keep going. I hope the future of Dream Girl Diaries does not disappoint.

As always,

Bailey

Self Love in The Age of Social Media

One thing I try to keep in mind while indulging my modern age craving of social media, is that self love and confidence are interpreted differently by absolutely everyone on this planet. So one person’s definition of self love might be different from another’s. Even with that idea lingering in my thoughts I still find myself struggling to keep up with all these beautiful girls and boys on the internet. I’ve read the expression that comparison will kill you, and obviously not literally, but figuratively I find that to be true. I think in the age of social media it’s hard not to compare yourself to the many people we see share themselves with the world so openly. Finding the balance of appreciating the beauty in someone else, but being able to see that it doesn’t deprive you of your own is an important part of truly loving yourself in this society. Personally, I’ve been struggling to write this particular piece for quite some time, because I didn’t want to turn it into some cliché personal essay on how to “love yourself,” or what “self love” actually is. Because the truth is, no one knows one way to achieve this level of love for themselves, and I’d be arrogant to think I held the answer to it. So please continue with absolutely no expectations, but to read one more person’s insight on self love in the age of social media. 
   

One thing I found myself questioning while thinking of where I wanted to take this piece, is what I consider to be self love and how I might be able to get there one day. I know for a fact that anyone with a mental disorder has struggled with self esteem issues in one way or another throughout their lives. For me personally, I struggle daily. Being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, my therapist told me about the symptoms she noticed I suffer from, one of which being severe self esteem issues. She said I will have days where I’m happy and in love with the person I see in the mirror, and days where I’m the complete opposite. A very common feeling, except I experience it intensely without realizing it until my emotions have fully taken control of my thoughts. So with that in mind, I know that logging into twitter and instagram will either make me feel love and admiration for all the people who look like art, or complete hatred for myself for not being up to par with them. I don’t have a common ground yet, and I don’t know how to get myself there. Usually I just shut my phone off when I feel like I’m beginning to be consumed. With the ways I have let my own self hatred consume and control me in the past, I have pushed people close to me away — which I didn’t want. I began to compare myself to my best friends and felt myself feeling lower than ever. It’s so easy to fall down the rabbit hole when you don’t acknowledge the other side of things. YES, my friends are beautiful people inside and out, NO, I am not less of a person than they are because I don’t look or act like them. YES, that girl on instagram has perfect skin and doesn’t need makeup to be beautiful, YES, I am just as beautiful with or without makeup. If I had just said those things to myself from the beginning, I know my self esteem wouldn’t be where it’s at today. 
    

Self love isn’t only feeling comfortable and proud in your own skin, it’s also taking care of your mind, body, and soul. Things I’ve found to be useful in my recovery, and tending of my mental health, is reading books. Now I know this is easier said than done for people like me who work a full time job and have a puppy to care after; or people who attend school and are consumed with homework and studying, but it is possible. I read on the bus to and from work, and try to read on my breaks if I’m in the right mindset. Reading to me is an outlet to a life that isn’t mine, and not only that, but it also distracts my mind from all of the thoughts that normally consume me. Art is another outlet for me, because while I’m working on a piece, I’m focused on the piece, not the situation that happened years ago that still haunts me. And everyone has their own distractions, whether that be watching YouTube videos, or working out, or listening to music... As long as it helps you, then you are loving yourself. 
    

Self love in the age of social media is not an easy battleground to tackle, but can be very empowering when accomplished the right way. Always remember that sometimes self love is as simple as taking a shower, which can be hard to do some days when you struggle with mental health. Self love is deleting that playlist you made for your ex and blocking them so you can finally focus on yourself, and your own personal growth. Self love doesn’t have to just be feeling confident enough to post that selfie, remember to celebrate the small successes and steps you take towards your journey of empowerment. Loving yourself in a world of millions of beautiful people who are just as alive and successful as you is a radical act of liberation, never forget that, and never let anyone take it from you.

Always,
Bailey

Mental Health Hospitals: What it’s Really Like

One thing that’s really come to my attention these past 6 months is the reality of the mental health stigma. Of course I’ve always been aware of it, anyone who’s watched film and television has come in contact with an ‘Insane Asylum’ scene at least once in their life. Not only do we have the glamorization of it all in Hollywood, but we also deal with the stigma in our everyday lives. Back in 10th grade I silently suffered for months before opening up to my group of friends. At the time I had people in my family who would constantly discount that mental health existed, and would go as far as saying that anyone who self harmed or thought they were depressed, only said that to get attention. With all of that negativity surrounding an illness that had, at the time, truly taken over me I felt more alone and more scared than ever to speak up. It’s taken me years, but I’m finally at the point where I no longer let fear hold me back from speaking up about something so eminent in my life.

Recovery is a long process on it’s own, but it’s even more so out of reach when you let stigma silence you. Back in the fall when my health really deteriorated, I spent a week without eating or getting out of bed because all of my energy was exerted in crying. During that period my family got themselves involved and suggested being hospitalized, which I quickly shut down. Me? In the psych ward? I told myself, I’m not that bad.. Those thoughts came from years of being told that mental health hospitals were for people who were much worse than me, and were filled with nurses who took advantage of their power and neglected the patients. It wasn’t until I attempted suicide and ended up in the emergency room after calling the crisis line that I realized how far beyond myself this illness had gone. When in the emergency room, a social worker came in and made me eat, but also talked to me and calmed my nerves. She told me I was going to be transferred to an inpatient psychiatric hospital and that they would help stabilize me and give me the proper care and attention to start my recovery. I asked her what it would be like and she said to me, “It’s nothing like the movies. There are no electric treatments or being strapped to the bed. There will be patients worse than you, and there will also be patients healthier than you. You will get to stay in your own clothes, they’ll feed you breakfast lunch and dinner, and you will be put into group therapy sessions throughout the day.” She was right. The first hospital I was admitted to really made me feel stable. I met some really incredible people, who I’m still in touch with today, I had my own room, I got to wear my own sweats, there was time to draw in between therapy sessions. It wasn’t bad at all, and everything I learned still stays with me. 

If you’re sitting there wondering if the hospital is the right next step in your own recovery, here are some warning signs I noticed within myself that made me know I needed to hand my safety and health over to someone else. For starters, I wasn’t eating. I realized that not only did I barely have the energy to eat, but I also didn’t retain the will. Secondly, I was self harming every chance I got. I’d even do it at work in the bathroom. I wasn’t cutting to feel something, I was cutting deep enough to seriously injure myself, and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. I felt very disassociated from my own body, and in times like that I realized I was on autopilot and didn’t understand what I was doing to myself until the damage was already done. On top of all of that, I had suicidal thoughts. Anyone who is contemplating suicide should 100% call a crisis line and get help. It’s a horrible state of mind to be in already, but it’s even worse when you hold it all in and let it consume you. These were all very serious warning signs, and they may be different in you. Bottom line is you know yourself better than anyone, and you know when you’re beginning to lose control. Seek help in times of emergency. My email (bailey@dreamgirldiaries.com) is also always available if you need anyone to talk to before calling a crisis line.

To end this, I’d just like to say that being hospitalized was something I was afraid to open up about while I was going through it. I was afraid of what the stigma that’s been developed over time would say about me. Knowing what I know now, through experience, mental health facilities are more important than most people realize. The hospitals I was admitted to got me on the right medicine to stabilize me, had me start eating again, and truly saved my life. If you are suffering and have been too afraid to admit yourself in fear of what people might think, or in fear of being too “dramatic,” please consider yourself before any of that. You and your health are your number one priority, and if you need to extra help to keep yourself safe, then so be it. You will be taken care of, and you might just save your own life.

Always,
Bailey

Coping 101

Every time I was hospitalized there was always a group therapy session about healthy coping skills. Some days I’d skip the class and sleep instead, other times I’d force myself to attend and pay attention. They preached about journaling, meditating, and channeling your pain into something creative and productive. Even so, after every coping skills class i attended throughout my hospital stays, I was still ridiculed by doctors about my poor coping skills. Was I surprised? Looking at my scars and counting the times I’d play that one song that reminded me of my abuser on repeat and just cry into the dark had me feeling the least bit of shock. And it doesn’t help when I log into social media and see bubble bath snapchat’s and ‘just choose to be happy’ tweets.

One thing that should be known about mental illness is that nobody chooses it. No one wakes up one day and tells themselves, “Today I’m going to be depressed and suicidal, but tomorrow I’ll choose to be happy.” It doesn’t work like that. Mental health is mental, yes, but not as controllable as people seem to think. There have been days where my mind convinced me that everyone in my life would be better without me, and that I was incapable of being loved. And the thing with your thoughts, is that they always feel real, because your own mind can’t lie to you right? Well there are some illnesses where you can’t decipher what’s real or not and it’s hard. How do you cope in a mind you don’t even trust? That’s where I always struggled. I wanted to be the person that ate healthy and was always happy, not the person who isolated themselves and ate an entire pack of double stuffed oreos in one night. But coping with a mental illness isn’t always meditation and positive thinking. Sometimes coping is binge watching ‘Santa Clarita Diet’ for two days straight. Or rewatching the closing scene of ‘Call Me By Your Name’ on repeat just so you can feel a pain that isn’t your own for awhile. Sometimes it’s buying yourself a pint of Coldstone’s cake batter ice cream and then eating it in one sitting. Or spending half a paycheck on Victoria’s Secret underwear to make yourself feel sexy. My point is, there’s no “right way” to cope with a mental illness. You will have your good days with your bad, regardless if you drink that kale smoothie or attend that yoga class. Coping is surviving when every part of you wants to give up. And for me, that sometimes means I stay in bed all day and hug my dog a little extra hard. 

I wanted to write about coping for you guys, and part of me thought about grabbing my notes from group therapy and putting that up, but I just couldn’t. A friend of mine reminded me that the reason I’ve touched so many people is because I’ve always been real and authentic and open about what I’ve gone through. So to end this, I’m going to tell you what I really do, and what genuinely keeps me alive. 

• When my mental health gets bad and I feel the crushing weight of my depression, I try to distract myself. Sometimes I catch up on my tv shows, or watch a few movies I’ve been wanting to see. Sometimes I read from my book, or watch youtube videos on hauntings and serial killers. Other times, when I’m feeling more inspired, I’ll draw or write poetry. All of these things get me out of my head, and sometimes that’s all I need.

• When my anxiety feels like it’s crippling me, and I’m afraid I’ll go into full on panic mode, I focus on my breathing. Sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes I can’t regain myself. But when I do, it’s because I count my breathes, and remind myself that I’m okay. I repeat it. “You’re okay,” over and over, until I believe myself.

• Now when it comes to my PTSD, I’m still learning to cope. What I have found helpful during flashbacks is to hold my head and tell myself it’s not real. I start to name off things that I know to be true. My name is Bailey Drew, I’m 20 years old, I live in Seattle Washington, I have a dog named Zeppelin, and so on and so forth. A PTSD flashback feels real and the emotions are still there and I just try to remind myself that I am safe and they can’t hurt me anymore.

  
  I learned to cope with things as I lived through it, and just because it works for me doesn’t mean it will work for you. The whole point of this piece is to remind you that any sort of living you do when you don’t want to, IS considered coping, and there is power in that. 

Always, 
Bailey. 

Dream Girl Diaries: An Introduction

I’d like to start out first and foremost by saying thank you. The support I have received since deciding to be open about my own mental health struggles has been overwhelming, in the best way possible. I would not be writing this today if it weren’t for the hope that everything I’ve gone through could somehow touch another person, and inspire recovery in them on their own journey. 

I decided to create Dream Girl Diaries as a way to not only help others, but to help myself. Something I’ve learned is the more I talk about it, the less control it has over me. So when I say that this is just as much for me as it is for you, I mean it. I often find myself consumed in my own thoughts and emotions with only the pages of my journal to lose myself in — which in no way is a bad thing. But when I think about people who have reached out to me, telling me their stories and how much it means to them to have someone they can confide in so they feel less alone, I can’t keep to myself anymore. I have gone through too much, seen too much, and experienced first hand the pain and control a mental illness can have over a person. To stay silent is to let it win, and I’ve fought too hard for too long to let it win.

As some of you may know, I have been hospitalized 4 times within the past 6 months (as of the date this is being written) for mental health. I attempted suicide 3 of the 4 times, and came close the fourth. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, anxiety, anorexia, PTSD, and Borderline Personality Disorder. This is the first time I have opened up to my followers about my diagnosis. I’ve felt very ashamed to talk about it. I’ve felt crazy trying to explain my thoughts to even my family members and closest friends. It’s scary, especially when you don’t understand what you’re going through yourself. I’ve been silenced by my own fear of what people may think, and to feel so small as to believe you have to battle with your own mind privately, is a feeling I don’t want anyone in my shoes to go through.

Dream Girl Diaries is my personal journey through fighting an illness that tries to silence me daily. Dream Girl Diaries is where I’m going to try and fight to end the stigma behind mental illness, because no one should be afraid to open up in fear of what society has glamorized of our struggles. Dream Girl Diaries is a safe space, and I want everyone to know that I am here if you ever need someone to listen to you when you think you have no one. You are not alone. I am not alone. This is for the dream girls and boys who lost themselves and want to find their worth again. 

Always,
Bailey.

Suicide Prevention Hotline
1-800-273-8255

National Sexual Assault Hotline
1-800-656-4673

Eating Disorders Hotline
1-888-236-1188

Healing Women’s Foundation Hotline
1-800-477-4111

My email
bailey@dreamgirldiaries.com