Suicide Prevention Month & Awareness

September is suicide prevention month, and I’d be lying if I told you this wasn’t a constant in my head. Having gone through everything I have and still being here is an amazing thing, yet I still yearn for an end.

With my bipolar depression, ptsd, and borderline personality disorder, I have many aspects of my brain that want me dead (in a sense). That’s just the easiest way to describe it. It’s as if there’s a whole other person inside me that pushes me towards the edge, and that can be very difficult to deal with. To have a constant roll of ways to do it cycle through your brain without the ability to stop it is mentally draining.

Suicide is a dark thing, it’s not light, it’s not an easy topic, it’s difficult for anyone to talk about — but it must be talked about. We can’t just sit here and pretend it’s not real, or that it doesn’t happen in this world. It’s the 10th leading cause of death in the US alone. It’s also more common in men than in women, which is not talked about enough. In 2019 men committed suicide almost 4x as often as women.

I have attempted suicide twice in my life, both taking place in 2017. I ended up in the hospital the first time, and the second time was while I was IN the hospital. I talk about it lightly most days, makes it easier than realizing I got that low. With no regard for my family, I was only thinking of myself and a way out of my nightmare. Suicide felt like my only option, which it wasn’t. But everything felt so heavy on my shoulders and my chest. At the time an event happened that ruined me. It put me in and out of hospitals for 2 months straight. It truly ruined me, and I had never been so low in my life. I called the suicide prevention line, thank god it exists, and they could tell I was in crisis and couldn’t consider myself a safe place. This led to my first hospital visit.

As far as suicide prevention goes, just know there are resources out there. There are people out there that can, and will talk you through your crisis. Think about your family, your pets, your friends. Think about what it would do to them. Because I didn’t.

If you are in a crisis, and don’t feel like you can keep yourself safe — whether that be through self harm, or suicide — just know I am always always always available to talk. If you’re not comfortable with that, I threw in some resources below.
Just know that you are loved, you are valued, and you are important. Don’t let your mind try and convince you otherwise.

Suicide Prevention Hotline: 800-273-8255
King County 24 hour, toll free support hotline: 1 888-427-4747 OR 206-461-3222
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
bailey@dreamgirldiaries.com

Love always,
Bailey