Me Interviewed by You

I asked you guys to ask me some mental health related questions, and here are my answers. Trigger Warning: Suicide, Self harm

“What’s the biggest lesson you’ve had to learn?”
— That everyone leaves eventually, whether you want them to or not. Everything is temporary, and I’ve been reminded of that more frequently in the last 5 years. After losing my mom, losing best friends, everyone leaves. One way or another.

“What inspires your writing?”
— SOOOOO many things. Love, heartache, mental health, grief. My ex boyfriend has been a really easy topic for me to write about, because we were best friends, and we left our relationship in a deeply negative way, and it’s something I mourn, if I’m honest. With my moms passing, I’ve been extremely depressed, and trying to write about it, and dictate how I actually feel about her death has been both easy and difficult. And as for love, its not as easy to write about as heartache for me, but I’ve gotten a few good poems out of the bunch!

“What’s it like living with PTSD?”
— It’s rather difficult. I’m more aware now of what the cause was, and what my actions are when it comes to an attack, or a flashback. Like for me I have PTSD over three separate occasions, so it hits me at the most random times. The scent of his cologne, my old journal, driving, thinking of my childhood. I am on medication to help with the nightmares and flashbacks, so those don’t happen as frequently as they used to (thankfully). Living with PTSD is like living with someone who often reminds you of the parts of your past you wish to forget.

“If you don’t mind me asking, what’s your full diagnosis?”
— Ah here we go. Bipolar Depression, Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety, PTSD, and Borderline Personality Disorder.

“What inspires your tattoos?”
— Art!! Myself! Music, my family, my friends, flowers and plants. Many things inspire them.

“Is Zeppelin your emotional support dog?”
— Technically yes, but also no. He’s a shit ESA haha. He is fullll of anxiety himself, so often times we just feed off of each others anxiety.

”What are coping mechanisms you use to help you deal with it?”
— Writing is my #1. I can find a way to make all of my feelings seem poetic (which I just realized could be a bad thing?). Talking with my close friends, my sisters, and my boyfriend. Watching a movie, or a tv show to get my mind off things.

“What was it like in the psych ward?”
— It was quite a journey. To be stuck on a hospital floor for weeks, one time a full month, at a time with people you’ve just met takes its toll. It’s nice in a sense that you are supposed to be safe from yourself. For me they took care of the bleeding from my self harm wounds, and made sure they didn’t get infected. I had a personal therapist that I met with once a day, to talk about how I was feeling, and to go over a treatment plan.
Most hospitals make you share a room with another patient, and you never know what you’re going to get. One hospital I went to (the one month stay) was filled with all different kinds of cases and diagnosis, and I met so many people, and learned so much. They give you phone privileges so you can contact your loved ones, and that was my lifeline. Overall, I’d suggest it if you feel like you are a threat to yourself or others, or if you feel like you cannot keep yourself safe.

“What inspired Dream Girl Diaries?”
— My love of writing, my need of getting things out of my head, and the idea that somehow it could help someone, somewhere. My ex boyfriend helped inspire a lot of my poems, plus my own mental health journey. My current boyfriend, and my mom also inspired me to just simply write. Write until I got it all out of my head. My BPD, and PTSD, my depression, all gave me reasons to keep writing. And then as far as the page design goes, my friend Alli and I got together back in February to take photos to go along with my poems. Chloe Sheppard’s zines really inspired my page design. Check them out, they’re a fantastic artist.

”Did you consider suicide? If so what stopped you?”
— I actually tried committing suicide twice in the span of 2 months, back in 2017. Once at home, once in the hospital. I wish I could say that I had a reason to stay at those low points, but at the time I had lost the one thing I had in my back pocket that kept me going, and I couldn’t handle it. Since then there have been multiple times I’ve wanted to commit suicide, and in those moments I’ve thought of my niece and nephew, and how ripped apart they would be losing their favorite aunt. I’ve thought about my sisters. And since my mom passed, I’ve thought of suicide more than I have in the past 4 years. But losing her gave me so much pain, and I find it hard to leave my family after that.

Thank you for your questions, I hope it helped you learn a little about me, and who I am. I will always be honest about my mental health journey, and all I hope is that in some way it’ll help someone out there who went through what I did.

Love always,
Bailey