“I am Not a Legend I’m a Fraud”

It’s a bad mental health day. I feel like life is stacking on top of me, and I can’t bare the weight.

I mean, who am I to use my platform to spread awareness of mental health when I don’t have mine wrapped up in a bow like I make it seem. Where is my footing here?

Do I belong in this world? Do I belong to this platform? Do I belong at all? I wonder if my words are useful at all. Do they make a change, or do they get looked past?

Halsey said it best, “I am not a legend I’m a fraud.” I am not an advocate, I’m a victim of my own self sabotage. I don’t personally know if my head exists in the world of advocacy at all. I mean, how could it? My head is filled with all of these thoughts that I can’t always articulate.

I come on here giving advice that I don’t always take myself. Who wants to read that? Who wants to believe in that? A world where a positive mindset can coexist with mental health. Maybe I’m okay. Maybe I’m not. I don’t know anymore.

I’ve always vowed to be transparent with my blog, and this is me doing so. Maybe this is my bipolar talking. Maybe it’s the truth behind a facade of smiles and words of affirmation. Like I’ve said in the past, it’s okay to not be okay. But today, it doesn’t feel okay. Today it feels like there’s weight on my shoulders, pushing me further into a hole I can’t climb out of.

I’m not sure my existence has been helpful at all, and I don’t think I’ll ever know that for sure. Part of me will always question my worth. Part of me will always run when it gets hard to breathe the air of a world that exists to put me down.

Happiness is fleeting. So hold onto it while it’s still surrounding you. Savor the taste it brings you. Stitch it onto your sleeve, and wear it like a heart. Shield your eyes from the sun, and soak the breathe of its everlasting heat.

I wrote this a few days ago, and just today had the courage to post it. Even if today is bad, there is always tomorrow.

Always, Bailey