Grief, in Memoriam of Shaunna Christine

Sitting here today, writing this piece on grief, and my mother, was something I never imagined doing. Just attempting to write has me balling my eyes out. Grief is an ugly thing. It eats you from the inside out, and doesn’t have any remorse while doing so. Grief is an attachment that clings to your darkest thoughts and emotions. Grief is, quite simply a deep deep sorrow.

My mom, Shaunna, died. She passed away in January of 2021, and since then I’ve been trying to pick up the pieces of myself, and my sisters. Her loss is a hard one. It has me fine one day, and a complete mess the next. I am always thinking of her. Her laugh, her smile, the way her voice was slightly raspy. The way she always said ‘’I love you more.’’ She was a beautiful woman, with the biggest heart I’ve ever known.

The hardest part of it all is knowing I can’t just pick up my phone and call her. Or take the 2 hour drive over the mountains to see her whenever I wanted. When problems occur, I don’t have my mom. On the chance I get married, and have kids, she won’t be there to see it. All of it I have been holding inside me, just letting it hurt. Letting myself feel it all.

I think about her final days a lot. Her final moments. I think about holding her hand in the hospital, talking to her, telling her everything I wish I had said when she was awake. How much I loved her, how much I thought about having my father daughter dance with her. How badly I wanted her to open her eyes for me. But I knew. I knew when I talked to her it wasn’t going to change the fact that she was leaving us.

Her final hour was spent with my two sisters, and I holding on for dear life to her hands and arms. Saying our goodbyes through sobs. Playing her favorite songs for her, and slowly watching her leave us there in that hospital room. I watched her take her last breathe, as my dad’s song I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith playing, and I just held on to her hand knowing it was my last time doing so. My mom passed away in a room full of love for her, and the girls surrounding her. It was peaceful.

Shaunna Christine was a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend. She was so much to so many people, and yet put her strength forward and built a life for herself. Married the love of her life, lost him early, but bred three beautiful girls. My mom was an animal lover. She passed along her dear cat, Malibu to me, whom I love and adore. Growing up we always had dogs and cats that she cared for. She was a poor cook, but boy did she try for us. She put everything she was into my sisters, and I. My only wish is I could have properly thanked her for all the unconditional love, and strength she built into me.

Momma, I love you more than I could ever express. Everyone loves you so much, and you will be remembered by everything good that you are, and everything good that you did. One of the most unique, hilarious, crazy and wild women I’ve ever met. But I wouldn’t have asked for any other mom.

Rest in peace, my angel.

Love, Bailey.