How to be Okay, When You’re Not Okay
“Being okay is overrated,” is something my mind often tells me. It’s quite a habit of mine to lie to myself about how I’m feeling. Whispering between sobs, “you’re okay,” as I feel like my world is falling apart. Not accepting the fact that I’m not okay, and that that is also okay.
I’ve been reading/seeing a lot of inspirational quotes on Instagram lately. Stuff like, “Trust that what belongs to you will always find you,” and, “There is love in holding on, and there is love in letting go.” I chose those two examples because they speak to me. Lately I’ve felt such an attachment to something that doesn’t exist anymore, and I’m working on letting that go.
My attachment lies with the idea of someone, some year, some feeling that will never be alive again. My therapist tells me it’s my want to be the person I was when all of this happened, but I think it’s more than that. If it wasn’t, then I don’t think my emotions would run as deep as they do. How do I be okay when I’m not okay here? How do I find the love in letting go?
One thing I’ve learned after everything my mind, body, and soul have been through, is that standing up is also a positive. Brushing your hair is good for you. Hell, getting up in the morning is considered a win. Often when you’re battling a mental illness, you forget about these tiny wins. These tiny accomplishments. Your mind is too busy focusing on everything that’s bad, so that when your day of not crying doesn’t feel like something to celebrate.
The other day I had my first bad ptsd attack in awhile. My coworker, the angel that she is, sat with me while I cried into the palms of my hands. Telling me I was safe, and trying to help me breathe again. This moment made me realize that I am not okay, but I still got up and went back to work.
So, how do you be okay when you’re not okay? The answer can be quite simple as, “Focus on the good, and the good will focus on you,” (That’s another inspiration quote from Instagram.) But I feel like being okay when you’re not okay is more complex than that. I feel like being okay at the hand of someone else’s perception of you feels better than letting them see what’s really going on. I’ve grown victim to this plenty of times. Being hospitalized and telling my mom that I was okay, though I had just attempted suicide. Then I go to having a breakdown in the back room of my job and apologizing for it because someone finally saw me.
It’s okay to not be okay, you don’t have to apologize for it. You don’t have to pretend for other people, and you definitely don’t have to pretend for yourself. Let yourself let go of the idea of playing mentally stable to the public when you’re not actually okay. It’s okay to ask for help, and this is something I even need to work on.
How do you be okay when you’re not okay? Just simply be.