I’m Right Where I’m Supposed to be

You know that gut feeling you get when you’re right where you’re supposed to be? I have that.

It feels like everything I’ve been through, every obstacle, every challenge, every hardship, has led me right here. I’m in a good position with work. I’m engaged to the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I have my family and friends’ full support.

It feels like the universe lined up a quarter of a lifetime of pain, to bring me forever wrapped up like a dream. To be able to reflect on my past, and know I’m right where I’m supposed to be feels like the biggest flex.

Now don’t get me wrong, I still struggle. Life isn’t easy, and times are still tough, but I’m not in it alone anymore. It took me awhile to realize that, but I have support. I have my sisters, my best friends, my fiancé, my employers. The position I’m in feels like a granted wish.

I think back to 18 year old me. Scared. Feeling like she had to deal with everything on her own. Feeling insecure in herself and her relationships. Feeling pressured by someone she thought she loved. I think back to 18 year old me and can’t believe the growth I’ve had in such a short amount of time.

7 years since my world turned in on itself. 7 years since my minds chemistry altered in ways I never thought I’d have to learn about. 7 years and I genuinely have something to show for it. My strength.

Some find it to be a weakness that I am so open about my trauma, and my struggles. Some find it inappropriate. But in reality I’m just a girl working through life altering situations in the only way she knows how. I don’t share myself so publicly for pity, or for prayers. I share myself so publicly so that my trauma holds nothing over my head. So that my trauma doesn’t continue to live inside me, and eat away at my core.

You may think what you want about me. But I’m happy. For once, in a long time, I am so fucking happy. Never in the world did I imagine myself here, with someone who loves me so deeply the way that my partner does. Never did I imagine myself here. Just HERE, alive, and well. I spent a long time planning for an end, expecting the worst, and preparing to execute what my thoughts were feeding me. And to stare at myself in the mirror and think about a future for the girl staring back at me feels like something I never thought would happen.

So say what you want. Think what you want. I know where I’m at, and I know how hard I worked to be here. You’ll find it a lot harder to kick me when I’m no longer down. So that gut feeling? I deserve to have that, and nothing is going to take it away from me.